11 Aug 2015 Stefani’s Story
That day, nearly 28 years ago, is still a very clear memory. As I was driven to House of Hope I tried to nap on the floor of the backseat. We pulled into the drive, and I sat up to look around. There was a sign with an anchor and the words “House of Hope”. The crunching wet gravel announced my arrival. Someone peered out a window. I longed to just slip back down into the floorboard and sleep. At that time, all I really wanted to do was sleep. Not just any sleep, but the kind of deep sleep that would allow me to shut down my maddening thoughts- the sleep that led to death. But here I was. The car would leave soon and I had no other place to go. No other place in the world. The small yellow office door opened and there stood Sara Trollinger with her arms open wide. I really thought I had entered the Twilight Zone. This woman, who had just met me, was immediately loving on me. I was incapable of understanding this kind of response.
I had learned to keep people at arm’s length. I trusted no one, especially people that tried to get too close. I had learned at a young age that some of the people you were taught to trust and respect could turn out to be as bad as the strangers they warned of. My torment consumed me. I was unable to continue pretending and I attempted suicide. I was sent to a psychiatric hospital and fell into a deeper despair. It was from this hospital that I was transferred into the care of House of Hope.
I was wild-eyed, edgy and sleep deprived. I could not sleep but a few hours at a time without having terrifying nightmares. My past haunted me day and night. I was unable to concentrate and my primary focus was my ultimate escape – death. I had been sexually abused by a family member for years and I felt responsible for the abuse. I was convinced that I was at fault and that only deserved the worst.
The staff at HOH and others soon learned of my pain and immense guilt. They made sure that I began to receive professional counseling. I slowly began to let go of some of the guilt and shame and began to believe that I might have a future worth living. I started to daydream about high school graduation and attending college.
The HOH staff surrounded me with love and compassion and I learned that they did, in fact, care about me! I eventually allowed myself to accept their love and care without fear of rejection. The HOH became a safe haven for me. It truly became a house that gave me real hope for the first time in my life.
I was about to graduate from the HOH program and needed a foster home placement. Rev. Greg and Laura Lee Brewer stepped forward and opened their home to me. I spent the rest of high school in their loving home. They took up where HOH left off.